Training Diary - Chapter Two
Disclosure: this training journal may contain old jokes, clichés, fictional characters and events. We mean no harm.
Monday
Lance told us we needed to exercise more at home. He suggested that we make a "shovelglove." After some prompting, he told us we could make our very own shovelglove by wrapping an old sweater around a sledgehammer. Lance told us to set a timer for 14 minutes every week day morning, then grab the shovelglove and pretend to shovel, churn butter and chop wood. Karen asked Lance if he had gone stark raving mad. No, Lance insisted, "this is great exercise!" We were doubtful. He said shovelgloving was an exercise we could do in our own homes, without any fancy equipment. We said we would give it a try.
Wednesday
The local hardware store is having a sale on sledgehammers! Marie thinks it's a sign that shovelgloving is the exercise for us. Brooke wondered if we'd have to do backwards.
Thursday
Shovelgloving is way, way, way more work than walking backwards on a treadmill. We met at the gym to discuss our findings on this ancient exercise form. Lance hovered in the background. Brooke was very late and we started to get a little worried. Just as we were about to go to the restaurant to talk about our worry, she came in. She looked terrible! There were big bruises on both knees and a whopper of a bruise on her left cheek. What happened, we asked. "Shovelglove accident," she told us. She explained that she'd gotten a little carried away on the churning butter exercise and banged first one knee and then the other. She decided to skip ahead to the chopping wood exercise, but when she lifted the sledgehammer, she grazed the side of her head! We ooohhhhhed over her boo boos, then took her to the restaurant to nurse her wounds over a cosmopolitan or two. Or three. Or four. Or…….
Try as we might, we just can't scratch ourselves like the professionals.
Friday We've faced the cold, hard facts. We are not dedicated journal writers. "We're also not athletes," Marie pointed out, "but that doesn't stop us from pretending." Wise, practical Marie! We immediately brightened, and no, it had nothing to do with the Merlot she poured. It was that magic word, 'pretend.' We can pretend to be fit and trim! We can pretend to be strong walkers! We can pretend - okay, maybe it was the Merlot.
Tuesday We've mentioned Lance, our personal trainer, in the journal before, but Judy pointed out that some people may not know who Lance is, or how we met him. Lance, we will have you know, is an award-winning fitness expert. He's won tons of contests and was just named Mr. Body Builder New England (BBNE)! When we heard the news, Kaitie immediately asked to see his sash.
"I don't have a sash," he told her. "It's just a title."
"Tiara - I mean, crown -what about that? Do you have one of those?" Patty demanded to know.
He shook his head. "No crown. Just a title." As he walked away, we clustered together to talk about his great honor. Brooke thinks he's holding out on us. "After all," she said, "Everyone knows when you win a contest like that you get a sash and crown!"
"Don't forget the stick-thingie!" Kaitie added. "They always give the winner a stick thingie with a ball on the end."
Lance stopped to talk to someone on the stairmaster next to us. Deb immediately tensed. "Shhh,," she whispered, "Don't talk about it anymore. He's right there."
Kait shrugged. "So?"
"He's won a body builder award!" Deb whispered. Everyone looked at her like she was speaking a foreign language, which she kind of was, because sometimes she gets a teensy accent that we think is a throwback to her Polish heritage. "That means he can lift!"
Brooke flapped a hand. "Everybody can lift. It's no big deal."
Apparently, Mr. BBNE has excellent auditory skills because he whirled around and shouted, "I heard that!" Deb looked stricken. Before we could say anything else, he stormed back to us and stared each of us in the eye. Most of us squirmed a little but Marie stared right back. He took a step forward. Marie took a step forward. He stared down at her, his eyes narrowed into teeny slits. Marie had to crane her wee little neck up to stare Mr. BBNE in the eye. They were toe to toe. Chest to chest. We stood in a circle around them, watching to see how the staring contest was going to end. Without warning, Lance darted his Popeye arms out and plucked Marie right off the ground! She shrieked and swung, connecting with Lance's head. There was a meaty thud, but Mr. BBNE didn't even flinch. He lifted Marie over his head like she was a small child and whirled her around. We gasped, unable to tear our eyes away. Marie has far more athletic ability than any of us realized. She pirouetted on top of Lance's head, positioning herself so that she could stand on his shoulders, hands on her hips. He twirled around so fast they looked like a spinning top, but Marie held firm and didn't so much as sway. Red faced with exertion, Lance stopped spinning and did what we later learned was a hack squat (which looks an awful lot like the position a cat gets into when it's coughing up a hairball). He reached up to grab Marie's waist and hoisted her up and off his shoulders. Marie hit the ground with a graceful little leg extension and we all burst into applause. Lance bowed and looked Brooke in the eye. "Can everybody do that?" he asked. She shook her head, unable to speak and Lance walked away. We are lucky, lucky girls to be personally trained by Mr. BBNE!
Friday
Tonight after training, we went to the Bar and Grill for dinner. While looking over the menu, Kathy mentioned she was cutting down on meat and eating more fruits and vegetables. Judy put her menu down. "You must grasp logistical efficiencies," she said. We ohhhhh over 'logistical efficiencies.' "What does a cow eat?" she asked. Brooke raised her hand in excitement because she knew the answer, but apparently the question was rhetorical because Judy pressed right on. "Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Beef is also a good source of field grass - a green leafy vegetable. Need grain? Eat a chicken." We saw the wisdom and ordered double bacon cheeseburgers with a side order of fries.
Saturday
Today, we went for a walk down the Rail Trail. We'd gone a short distance when Patty pulled out her water bottle and took a long swig. A few minutes later, she took another long drink, and a few minutes after that, stopped again and took a loooonnnnnnng sip. When she finally pulled the bottle from her lips, Brooke took it from her mother before Patty could protest and took a swig herself. She immediately went into a coughing fit, and finally managed to choke out the words "straight vodka." Patty told her it was medicinal. Clearly, it's working for Patty so we all tried it and found the miles simply flew by! Thank you, Mr. Smirnoff!
Sunday
We woke up feeling icky. All of us. Which led us to believe we'd all caught the same bug or were suffering from food poisoning. Brooke did a quick google search and learned that Vodka is made from rotten potatoes. Who knew? It will likely take us a few days to get over this horrid case of potato-induced botulism.
Thursday
While on the treadmill this morning, Karen wondered out loud if beer and wine were bad for her. Judy reminded her of the earlier lesson on fruits and vegetables. "As we all know," she said, "scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine aren't made from animals, and they're not on the periodic table of elements (see what a genius Judy is!), so that only leaves one thing, right? Have pizza and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables."
Monday
We're learning the fitness lingo! "In the zone" means incoherent during a workout. "Bulking up" is when someone tries to get bigger and fatter on purpose. A "meal replacement supplement" Jo told us, is cold pizza and beer. We're into the concept of bulking up.
